On sigmas

Dare I dive into a discussion amongst such luminaries as Vox and Talleyrand? For you, dear reader, I dare.

I’m going to come down in the Vox camp, but my route will be a bit circuitous. Let’s start with two facts:

Fact 1: Game is – at root – about relations between people.

Fact 2: For a long time, it has been clear that when dealing with people, the population can be broadly classified into two types: extroverts and introverts.

When we combine these two facts, it should be clear that game for extroverts will be very different than game for introverts.

In short, my argument is that the typical Alpha-Beta-Omega classification works perfectly for extroverts. This makes sense, since the vast majority (~75%) of people are extroverted. This classification doesn’t work for introverts, since their actions in social settings will be very different. So, in a sense Talleyrand is correct, what matters are alpha behaviors, fine. But, more broadly, Vox is correct. Most advice on how to pick up women assumes that you’re an extrovert – it’s just not going to work for an introvert – which means that separate categories will be useful.

Introverts vs. Extroverts

Most people really don’t understand introverts. I’ve read nothing better on the subject than this short article (the article has its flaws, but the big points are good). In short:

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing [for your humble blogger it's more like 5:1]. This isn’t antisocial. It isn’t a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I’m okay, you’re okay—in small doses." . . .

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality.

Game and Introversion

Most articles on game begin by the assumption that you walk into a bar. In the article I just linked to, he pulls a quote from Sartre: "Hell is other people at breakfast." Well for many introverts, hell is bar full of people you don’t know.

From there, to game, we are told to randomly approach people and begin inane conversations with them. To the introvert, the advice may as well be to shoot themselves in the face. (Faced with a choice between the two, I would probably flip a coin.)

If things go well, game advice then suggests that you may end up talking to a group of idiots for quite some time. Again, to the introvert, death at this point would surely be preferable.

My point should be clear. If you read Vox’s post – particularly the part on alphas – and if you’ve been paying attention to mine, you’ll see that an introvert doesn’t even want the things that the alpha has. All of the alphas "successes" (being defined as such through the lens of extroversion) require a lot of contact with other people – this is the opposite of success for an introvert (by way of example, I organize my life so that I spend the minimum amount of time talking to people I don’t know).

Yet, introverts can still be successful with women. However, all of my successes with women have come: 1) in settings in which I’ve been forced to spend time around them and I’ve been forced to have some social interaction with them – think: classes, work, being stuck on an airplane next to someone for hours, etc.; and 2) in social settings in which I get set up by an alpha friend ("here’s my friend, Foseti, he hates people," is one of my friends favorite lines, and it worked surprisingly well, especially if followed by an appropriately blank, but not harsh, reaction).

Thus the traits that Vox applies to Sigmas, are easily recognizable as introverted traits. Here is what he says, which some comments from me:

The outsiders who don’t play the social game and manage to win at it anyhow [I'd re-phrase this by saying that sigmas find the social game exhausting and get no satisfaction from playing it]. The alphas hate sigmas because they are the only men who don’t accept or at least acknowledge their social dominance. (NB: Alphas absolutely hate to be laughed at and a sigma can enrage an alpha by simply smiling at him.) Everyone else is vaguely confused by them. At the party, it’s the guy who stops by to say hello to a few friends accompanied by a tier one girl that no one has ever seen before [and then leaves]. Sigmas often like women, but also tend to be contemptuous of them [I'm not sure this is more true of women than it is of people in general].

Sigmas will use silence in the way alphas use words. I’m pretty immune to awkward silences and women will often go to great lengths to fill them.

So, to counter Talleyrand, I’d suggest only that increased categorization will be helpful as it is truly distinguishing a meaningful, separate category. But overall, don’t forget his point. Introverted or extroverted, don’t act like a beta.