The self-appointed heads of the volunteer thought police (people who were previously known as “sports writers” in a more innocent time), have decided that they will no longer refer to Washington DC’s football team by the team’s actual name, Redskins.
I thought it would be fun to go through the remaining 31 NFL team names and try to guess how many of the names will eventually be deemed too-politically-sensitive for hyper-hysterical sports writers. Without further ado . . .
Dallas Cowobys – Cowboys were not nice to Indians, excuse me, Native Americans. If you can’t name a team “Redskins” you certainly shouldn’t be able to name a team after their oppressors.
Philadelphia Eagles – This name is not-so-veiled reference to nationalism. This name probably makes immigrants feel excluded and offended.
Green Bay Packers – I can’t believe a name this homophobic has survived this long. Surely, this name will be the next to go.
Minnesota Vikings – Might as well be the Minnesota Ayran Nation.
New Orleans Saints – The name “Saints” probably offends Muslims already. Plus, I’m sure their organization has taken public money, and thus any religious naming convention probably violates the separation of church and state.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – One man’s pirate is another man’s freedom fighter.
New England Patriots – Obviously this name suffers from the same problem as “Eagles.”
Kansas City Chiefs – One could argue that Chiefs is a more respectable term than Redskins, but it seems too racially exclusive and any reference to Native Americans is highly suspect.
Oakland Raiders – See the entry on Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
By my count, that means 10 out of 32 team names are obviously offensive. If we extend our analysis:
San Francisco 49ers – I don’t know much about the actual ‘49ers, but since they’re old and they lived during a time of slavery, they’re almost certainly racist.
Detroit Lions – There’s a sort of implicit racism associated with naming the team from a predominantly black city after an animal from Africa.
Carolina Panthers – Again, there’s a sort of implicit racism here, since panthers are black and the team is from the South.
Miami Dolphins – Dolphins will probably someday be given rights like people. At that point, they’ll probably be a protected class – see entry on Kansas City Chiefs.
San Diego Chargers – I don’t know what this name means, but it appears to have something to do with electricity, the generation of which is causing global warming. Enough said.
Baltimore Ravens – See entries on Detroit and Carolina. This business of naming teams from predominantly black areas after black animals is starting to seem like sort of mass-racist conspiracy. I think I’m on to something potentially huge. (I wonder if this sort of analysis could be extended to Cincinnati, Cleveland and Jacksonville).
Houston Texans – This name relies on exclusionary language, which almost certainly offends someone who is not himself a “Texan.”
By my count that makes 20 of 32 teams that will have to change their name.